Hi there, blog. Long time no talk. When I started this blog, I mostly needed a place to vent. I had a major negative force in my life that heightened everything that I was going through with infertility. To give background on that force, I share this email that was sent to a mutual friend:
I will be very blunt about my feelings. I am over, totally over, the infertility issue. Just because a person is infertile or struggling to get pregnant does not mean that they cannot get pregnant. They may have to work harder, spend more money via a bank loan or credit card, or endure an invasive procedure but ALL of pregnancy is an invasive procedure and all kids are expensive. If they truly cannot get pregnant, they need to go to counseling and deal with those issues. If they cannot afford it due to bad credit, you need money to raise a child and having a child can take years of pre-planning. No one should decide that because they cannot have a child or choose not to do the work necessary in order to have a child, that that gives them the right to act like a jerk to every parent they meet or act like a baby does not exist because they don’t want to deal with their issues.
As further background, I shared an office with the woman who wrote that email for about two years. I used to consider her a good friend. That feeling stopped when the day after I told her I was being treated for infertility and she told me not to worry about her getting pregnant any time soon as her body was too toxic, she called me to tell me she was pregnant. She called the day she took a home pregnancy test. Couldn’t even wait to confirm it with a doctor before telling me in one of the worst ways possible. She did so after a mutual friend (not the same one that she sent the email to) very specifically told her NOT to tell me. She has gone as far to tell me that I am not actually infertile. Although, I would say the going on four years without a pregnancy would prove her wrong.
Throughout her pregnancy she only complained about how hard it was to be pregnant. Once her child arrived, the complaints continued. Nothing this woman has ever said in my hearing has been positive. I got her a present once the child arrived and have sent emails in the past about him, but given her inability to recognize, an infertile friend is not the audience to bitch to about having a child, I put up a wall. It was solely for my own protection and every once in awhile I would test it, only to discover my concerns about her continuing insensitivity were still valid. I was willing to let all of her ugliness be in the past, but she has never been able to let go how much I “hurt” her. My offenses were truly just me needing space and her never allowing me to have it. Everything had to be on her time table and about her.
In February, we hit a breaking point and it was decided that I would move out of the office and into one of my own. While I have kept all of my communications, which have mostly been emails purely professional, hers have been full of little digs about how badly I treated her. She is an innocent victim in the situation that was her own making. I’ve wanted to respond at points, but I recognize a useless endeavor when I see one. I think writing a letter to her and burning it would be a more productive measure. I get all my feelings out and dispose of them, but don’t have to worry about an endless response from her enumerating all of the ways I have wronged her. I’ve only gotten a slight acknowledgment that she made “some mistakes” while claiming I have “hurt her deeply”.
Being away from her for the last two and half months has made me realize how much I was allowing her negative energy to infect my life. Now that I am in an office by myself and not relying on someone who lies about where they are and uses their child as an excuse for not fulfilling their end of obligations (because she knew if she made it about the child, I wouldn’t seek further info), I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted. I am able to get through tough holidays and days without the level of struggle I felt before. I am in such a better mental state. I am on better terms with not seeking further medical intervention. I have lost around 40 pounds and clothes that I couldn’t pull up over my butt last year are too loose. I actually look forward to my workouts rather than forcing myself to go. I am in in really great place in life and infertility no longer consumes or defines me. Words I thought I would never be able to say.